It’s so much more than a new kitchen.

We are 1.5 weeks into the kitchen renovation. Smack in the middle of the “What the @$%# have we just done?” phase. Too late to go back, the only way out now is to go through.

So we’re going through. And a few thoughts have occurred to me…

Home renovations are not for the faint of heart.

I’d heard how stressful they can be, and thought I was prepared, but I’ve learned a whole new meaning to the word “stress.”

We currently have a room formerly know as a “kitchen” with a free-standing oven that works, but no sink. countertops or cabinets. There are holes in the floor. I’m washing dishes and preparing food in our bathroom. There is a stack of dishes and a bin of cleaning supplies in a bucket on the extra coffee table pushed up against our fireplace.

It feels weird to talk about this like it’s something that happened to us. We did this on purpose. We’ve been planning it for years. We’re paying a lot of money for this. It’s not like it was a surprise.

But all the planning and preparing in the world doesn’t take away the complete and total upset to the life and routine and rhythms we had before.

A restful, peaceful home is a gift I’ve not recognized. Until now.

Chris and I were talking the other night about how being inside the walls of our house right now is not at all restful. There is no peace to be found in the midst of chaos and upheaval. We walk through the door and immediately feel stressed. As as long as we’re there, it’s like a constant, underlying stress that doesn’t let up because things aren’t as they should be. And no matter how much we want it, there’s nothing we can do to bring order back.

It’s made me think of people who live in war-torn countries places like Syria or Iraq or Afghanistan. Do they know what it is to feel rest? Comfort? Peace? A sense of home and belonging? What beautiful gifts those are.

I need to work on my self-trust.

This experience has made it clear I have a bit of a problem. I make decisions. And then I spend an obscene amount of time questioning them. I perpetually doubt myself. I second (and third, fourth, fifth) guess myself.

About everything.

The worst of it is when I’m half awake at four in the morning and there is literally nothing I can do with the fact that I’ve decided the kitchen island is waaay too big for our space. It’s not an island, it’s a continent.

I’ve created a kitchen continent.

And then I start thinking about how every time I look at it I’ll be reminded of how much I dislike it and how I wasted all our money and how Chris will resent me and probably leave me and how I’ve ruined our lives and … and … and …

Clearly my emotions tend to be like a runaway freight train.

God has filled our lives with really, really great people.

My mom. My sister. Our across the street neighbors. Friends from school. Our bestie family friends. Friends from our small group. More friends from school. More friends from our small group. They’ve all invited us into their homes and their lives. We’ve shared meals with them and laughed about the ridiculousness of our current situation and how we show up at their house with a bag full of dirty dishes. And it’s not weird at all.

This part … this sharing of life together is actually my most favorite part of this whole kitchen renovation process. Plus now we have a reason to attend spontaneous nightly dinner parties.

Its like a dream come true for my extroverted, Enneagram 2 heart.

Welcome to our dream home.

Two different times, four years apart, we planned to move away from Colorado Springs and both times felt God pretty clearly saying we were to say here. That with intentionality and an openness to the Holy Spirit, we could have community and roots and connection and an abundant life here.

So we stayed. We put down roots.

Instead of moving in search of “our dream” home, we are renovating our home to make it a true reflection of us. To reflect our identity and our values. To create a space of freedom and light and welcome and warmth and safety and beauty and love. A place where we, and anyone who enters our home, can sense the fullness of Life and the abundance of the Hope and the presence of Truth.

This is the home of my dreams.

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