its like falling into the deepest part of the ocean and not knowing how to swim

does one give in and sink or struggle to stay on the surface

the darkness feels totally and utterly overwhelming

there is no bottom

there are no shorelines

sadness does not stay in its lane

it respects no boundaries

your tears are about the unexpected news of a friend who’s private battle with cancer is ending tonight and then suddenly you realize your tears are actually about your dad whose cancer battle ended a dozen years ago and then you realize you are actually crying the tears of a six year old whose aching heart is longing for connection that she never knew how to ask for

the boxes that you had tightly sealed and shelved away in the farthest corner of the closet have all come crashing down with no warning

now everything is mixed together and its impossible to sort out and put back

the absolute helplessness is the worst part

what you thought you’d put away and moved beyond is still there, hidden in your body

its like a silent tidal wave, gathering force and growing bigger and bigger

you can distract yourself and act like its not there but that won’t make it go away

it just means it will crash over you on a random evening before Christmas with no warning

I’m a good swimmer but I’m scared of the hugeness of the ocean. My hope is sustained in knowing the One who made the ocean.

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