Am I Gonna Sink or Swim?

In some ways my life has been leading me to this place for years. When I look back, I can see how so many different points and experiences along my journey were in preparation for this moment. Whether it was a spontaneous conversation with someone or something I heard on a podcast or a book I read or lyrics to a song, each moment was like another brick laid on the path. Viewed separately, those moments are seemingly insignificant, but put them all together and the big picture becomes startlingly clear.

Today is my first day graduate school.

Even as I type those words, they feel surreal. I never thought I’d do something like this. Until nine months ago, I didn’t even know I wanted to. Other people go to graduate school. People who are driven and disciplined and academic and sure of what they want and where they’re going. Not me … middle aged and in the midst of working hard for a healthy marriage and raising two kids. It’s literally been 15 years since I’ve spent any time thinking about what I want … who I want to be.

And yet, this all feels so right.

I guess that’s what it’s like, walking in faith. I’m not sure where the road is leading, the view obscured more than a few steps ahead. So I just take one step at a time.

If I’m being honest, I’m nervous. I don’t know if I’m ready for this. The big scary question Can I do this? has been hanging over my head since I was accepted back in April.

This morning, on my drive to DIA, I had One Republic’s song on repeat, these lyrics an anthem…

Are we gonna sink or swim?
Tide’s getting high and we might go under
Thinking we should jump right in
‘Cause if we don’t now, then we’ll always wonder

Feeling like a drop in the ocean
These days I’ve been
Swimming through a mix of emotions
But hey

Even if the sun burns out, stars fall down
I’ma be there with you
Even when our heads get loud, thinking ’bout
How we gon’ make it through
Tell me

Are we gonna sink or swim?
Tide’s getting high, yeah, we might go under
Thinking we should jump right in
‘Cause if we don’t now, then we’ll always wonder
Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh, jumping right in
Yeah, we jumping right in, oh aye
Are we gonna sink or swim?
Tide’s getting high and we might go under

Going to school at 46 is so different than doing it at 18. I feel like I know myself better, and in some ways have a lot more self-confidence, but at the same time, I have all the insecurities that come with middle age. My baseline anxiety level is higher than it was in my 20’s, and while I know how to practice some good breathing and grounding techniques to keep myself regulated, I still find myself having the first day of school nerves.

Will I have any friends?
What will be teachers be like?
Will I understand or will I be lost?
What if I don’t like it?

I keep telling myself what I often tell my kids: if we don’t risk, we’ll never know.

So … here’s to jumping right in because if I don’t I’ll always wonder.