I had a monumental epiphany tonight and it completely scared me.
(Disclaimer: I’m still trying to sort this all out in my mind so I’m not sure this post is going to make a whole lot of sense, but I want to share it anyway.)
So here is my earth-shattering epiphany … are you ready for it?
I love my daughter.
I know what you’re probably thinking, “Um, hello. You’re her mom. You’re just now realizing that? What is wrong with you?”
But stick with me.
The epiphany-causing part of this realization is not the fact that I love my daughter, but the depth of my love for her. It’s SO much deeper than any emotion I’ve ever felt before. I’ve never experienced anything even remotely close to how I feel about Cara. It’s taken the concept of love to a whole new level.
And this realization scares me. A lot.
What it comes down to is a lack of trust. Basically, I’m scared to trust God with my daughter. Even though it’s completely backwards and doesn’t make any sense, I’m afraid that because I love Cara so much, He’s going to allow something to happen to her in order to teach me something … maybe surrender or acceptance. Isn’t that a ridiculous and twisted fear? I “know” that God is good and loving and compassionate. I “know” that He works all things together for good. But I also know that this world is a fallen, broken, messed up place with lots of pain and heartache. I know that many people suffer unfathomable losses allowed by God for His greater purpose.
Frankly, I’m afraid that my loving Cara so much will cause God to allow that to be taken from me in order to show me that all I need is Him. (See what I mean about being backwards? Seriously … I’m a mess.)
But even in the midst of this consuming fear, I also see the other side. After the volatile final seven weeks of my pregnancy, how can I ever doubt God – the One that chose to give us a baby girl who is the picture of perfect health?
A little background: At 33 weeks my placenta started showing signs of calcification and the doctors were convinced that I would have to be induced early to save my baby. I was monitored twice a week and at every ultrasound the baby had to score at least 8 out of a possible 10 points for the doctors to feel okay with letting things progress naturally. Every single time our baby scored a 10. But it wasn’t just barely a 10. She would complete all the necessary actions within the first few minutes of being on the monitor. Every time. She literally defied every expectation of our doctors. She came naturally, two days before her due date, and the first five months of her life have continued to demonstrate that despite what the doctors predicted, Cara is the epitome of perfect health.
Is this rambling making any sense? Even as I’m writing, I feel like an out of control ping pong ball, bouncing wildly back and forth between what I know to be true and what I feel (read: fear).
The Truth is that God loves me more than I can even begin to fathom. What I feel for Cara? That’s just a tiny fraction of how God feels about me. He won’t allow anything in my life without a purpose and whatever He allows me to experience, without it I wouldn’t become who He wants me to be.
Bottom line. The deepest desire of my heart is to please God, whatever it takes.
Or whomever it takes.