My Marvelous Present

I’ve spent my whole life looking ahead, trying to see what’s coming next down the road. No matter what I was doing or where I was, I was looking for the next thing. I have lived in a near constant state of excitement and expectation and anticipation. If you ask anyone who knew me as a child, they’d tell you how I was always talking about the next thing.

Today, as I begin my 46th year, for the first time I realize that living that way has a down side. It has taken me away from being truly present for my life. When I’m looking ahead, I’m not able to fully enjoy where I am.

Why this took me 46 years to realize, I have no idea. I can look back and be sad about the many things I’ve missed out on because I was looking forward, or I can choose to live differently from here on out.

So THIS is the year that changes. I am going to practice being fully present in body, mind and spirit, wherever I find myself. I’m going to learn what it means to truly be WITH people when I’m with them. I’m going to work hard on self-awareness and self-tenderness and self-care. I’m going to practice yoga regularly. I’m going to revive my daily journal practice. I’m going to slow down. I’m going to stop trying to look ahead and instead focus on wherever I am. Because there’s a beautiful, rare gift available in being present and THAT is what I want for my 46th birthday.

I’m beginning graduate school full-time in the fall. It feels simultaneously like the perfectly right time to do this in my life and the scariest, most unknown thing I’ve ever done. I suppose that’s what it means to walk fully in blind faith and trust. One day at a time, one step at a time, trusting that God who lead me down this path, will provide what I need in the very moment I need it.

And in the meantime, I focus on my present. My marvelous present. I have such a beautiful, full life and I’m SO grateful. A few recent highlights…

• A husband who is wholly committed to doing The Hard Work alongside me.
• Two beautiful kids who are helping me step more fully into who I’m supposed to be.
• A surprise puppy who truly is God’s gift of grace and is perfect for our family in this time and place.
• My writer’s group who have become such a source of joy, inspiration and encouragement to me.
• Friends who drop everything with less than 24 hours notice to celebrate with me.

I’m so incredibly thankful this year.