My Pandemic Life

Eight months into this pandemic, we’re on the doorstep of the holidays, and I’m exhausted. Mentally, emotionally and spiritually exhausted.

All the resiliency and adjustment that 2020 has asked of me … I’m so over it.

The never-ending news. The always changing restrictions, guidelines and mandates. The shutting and reopening and shutting and opening and shutting again of schools, restaurants and local businesses. The constantly shifting definition of “essential.”

Everything in the whole world feels like a moving target right now.

In March I kept thinking If we can just get past the two week quarantine … then in April it changed to … if we could just get past the Spring surge … then school ended and it became … if we could get past the summer … then school started up and I was thinking … if we could just get past the election … and now it’s if we can just get past the Fall surge …

No matter what timeframe I put on it, trying to give myself hope that there eventually will be an end, there is Always. More.

I’m writing this here on my blog because this is my safe space where I get to control the conversation. I just need a place to dump my thoughts. I don’t actually care if anyone reads it or not. (Huh. That’s a first, actually.) I just want to write it. I don’t want to start controversy. (Lord knows this world needs less of that.) I don’t think I can solve the world’s problems. I just want to brain dump.

During this whole crazy year, I’ve swung the entire pendulum from full-on quarantining in my home for a couple months to legitimately considering purposefully exposing myself and my family to COVID-19. (I didn’t and I won’t, but it’s tempting.)

I have gone from fear to frustration to anger to exasperation to depression to anxiety to … God only knows what comes next.

My husband and I have had so many conversations around topics we’ve never discussed before. Worldview. Role of government. Civil disobedience. Rule following. Role of family. Risk. Priorities. Role of church. Politics.

We have discovered that no matter what angle you come at this pandemic from, there is inconsistency and nuance everywhere and really it all comes down to what each person chooses to prioritize.

Personal freedom. Common good. Sacrifice. Making a stand. Individual safety. Public health. Whichever one of those lands on top of your list will inform your worldview right now.

I’ve been trying so hard to figure out how I best navigate this confusing and complex time we’re living in.

How do I parent my kids well through this?
How do I prioritize loving people?
How do I make room for differing [yet equally strong] opinions?
How much trust do I put in the news to give me unbiased information?
How do I continue to engage in a meaningful way with people while maintaining social distance?
What does self-care look like during a pandemic?
And where does [should?] it fall in the list of priorities?

These questions are not simple ones.

Sometimes my brain hurts from trying to figure out what’s normal right now and so I just turn it off and binge watch crap TV. (Married at First Sight, anyone?) Sometimes I drink wine because it helps me care less about things that I shouldn’t care so much about in the first place. Sometimes I write. Sometimes I create things. Sometimes I just go to bed to shut out the world for a while.

Everybody’s dealing with this in their own way. And anyway, who’s to judge anyone else on who’s pandemic life-ing the best right now?

So humanity, I think we would all do well to exercise a giant boatload of grace and acceptance for each other during the last five weeks of 2020.

Mkay?