Okay midlife … let’s do this.

I’ve heard a lot about midlife. It’s usually coupled with the word “crisis” and I suppose for many it can feel that way. There’s something existential about looking back on your life and looking forward and seeing an equal distance. You realize that every day that you live you’re moving one day closer to the end of your life and when you hit midlife, suddenly more of it is behind than ahead of you. That’s sobering.

You start thinking more about the bigger things…
Have I accomplished what I’d hoped I would by this time in life?
If not yet, is there still time?
Is who I am now different than who I thought I was in my 20’s?
Have I made my life mean something?
Do all the things I thought mattered actually matter?
What kind of person/spouse/parent/friend am I?

At midlife your perspective starts to subtly shift and you start evaluating everything differently.

For me, this has looked like a whole lot of self-reflection. A few years ago I started counseling and was surprised to realize there’s a whole part of me that I hadn’t even known existed – young Becky. She makes herself known in times of stress and wreaks all sorts of havoc on those around her in an effort to care for herself and get her needs met. As I’ve gotten to know her, I’ve realized that she needs me – adult me – to care for her – child me. I’m working hard on that.

This journey in self-awareness has led me to a place this past January, where through a seemingly unrelated series of conversations and interactions and events, the pieces fell into place. Things came quite suddenly into focus and for the first time I realized what I wanted in life. It was like I finally understood how I was wired and what I cared about. Things made sense. I knew what my heart longed for in a way I haven’t before.

So I applied to grad school.

You guys, I’m 45. It’s been 24 years since I’ve been in school. It’s easy to feel like I’ve missed the boat and I’ll constantly be swimming as fast as I can to catch it. Some people figure out who they are and what they want in their 20’s so by now they’ve got a couple decades of experience under their belt. For me, it took a lot longer. It took a lot of years of working in a space where I was good at my job, but it didn’t really move my heart. It took a marriage that was simultaneously broken and refining to get me to a place where I could be honest with myself.

And so now, at 45, firmly in the middle of my life, I finally feel like I can say I know what I want…

I’m pursuing a Masters in Counseling Psychology at The Seattle School of Theology and Psychology! I have been deeply impacted by the work of Dan Allender and I’m so excited that I will be doing the dual track in Narrative Focused Trauma Care and get to learn directly from him!

The program speaks for itself. The people I’ve met who are graduates of this school are incredible. They “people” differently. Interacting with them is a beautifully authentic, embodied experience. It gives a whole new meaning to the concept of “being with” someone. I am thrilled to spend the next three years learning how to be in the world the way they are.

My family went out to breakfast yesterday to celebrate my acceptance into the program. In an unplanned yet wholly affirming-to-me way, we had a deep and meaningful conversation with our 12 and 13 year old kids over pancakes and fancy juice as we toasted to this new adventure together.

I’m sure as I move into this new space there will be much more self-discovery and reflection and processing. I expect that a big part of this process will be continuing to understand myself and uncover God’s beautiful vision when he made me. It’ll be an intense, yet deeply fulfilling season.

Midlife, I’m ready. Let’s gooooo!