I know lots of girls grow up dreaming of being a mom. I’m not one of them. In fact, until I was married, I wasn’t sure I even wanted to have children at all. Then four months after our wedding I got pregnant and figured I better get on board with God’s plan for me.
But it’s not easy.
She had four kids in four years and while her house is loud and crazy sometimes, she is a great mother. She’s raising sweet, gregarious, respectful, charming kids. She seems to have found the right balance of laid-back parenting and teaching and enforcing healthy boundaries. On top of it all, she genuinely enjoys being a mom.
Then there’s me.
Pretty much everything that parenting entails is a challenge for me.
It’s hard for me to get up at 5:30 every morning (weekends included) just to get some time to myself.
It’s hard to change diapers for two kids. All. The. Time.
It’s hard to not ever eat my food hot because it gets cold while I feed the kids first.
It’s hard to have to schedule my days around nap time.
It’s hard to never spend money on myself because there’s always something the kids need more.
It’s hard to be constant and consistent in my parenting, making sure that I’m not missing opportunities to teach and guide and love and demonstrate grace and mercy.
It’s hard knowing that I’m being watched every second of every day by two little ones and that the behavior that I model will speak louder to them than anything I say.
It’s hard to know what’s worth making a big deal of and what I should let go.
It’s hard to not compare myself or my kids to others.
It’s hard not to feel insecure about everything.
I’m not complaining. No, really. I’m venting. There’s a difference, you know. One is motivated by dissatisfaction with current circumstances and the other is just a way to release some pressure.
I know how quickly time will pass and that I will look back on these years with fondness and maybe even nostalgia. I know what a precious gift my children are. But none of that changes the fact that being a mom is hard – by far the hardest thing I’ve ever done.
“Simply having children does not make one a mother.”
~John A. Shedd